John 13: 1-17, 31b-35
‘The ambiguities of our discipleship’ – that phrase from the introduction to this service
jumped out at me. It became the lens through which I have been reflecting, particularly on our Gospel reading.
Our first hymn speaks of ‘wanderers from thy fold’, as though we are praying for them,
as though such wandering fickle faith were not our experience. Yet it is. Well, it is mine – maybe you have it all taped up!
The ambiguity of discipleship affects all of us. Ambiguity – enigma, evasion, vagueness, doublespeak. How do we square up to the ambiguity of our discipleship honestly, without tipping into hopeless despair and paralysing guilt?
The Gospel reading seems a wise place to begin. We see our ambiguity reflected in the disciples at that last meal. There they are, present with the One who loves them beyond measure,
in an intimate scene of food and friendship – yet the light of that warmth highlights the flickering ambiguity of their love. Shadows gather.
Judas’ smile, as he reaches for some bread, belies the growing darkness in his heart. Dear Judas, conned by the father of lies. What well-worn pathways in his internal narrative have been manipulated, worked on, fired up to make him conceive of such a monstrous betrayal? What insecurities have been inflamed by poisonous insinuations deep in his heart? Is it fear of the regime? The desire to make things happen? A need to be in control? Whatever the cause - bitterness has taken root, tended by the deceiver, flowering into betrayal.
All this is known to Jesus, who stoops to wash the feet that will shortly kick him in the teeth.
Is his handling of Judas’s feet any less attentive, any less gentle as he towels them dry? I don’t think so. I think he washed Judas’ feet carefully, in deep sadness, for ‘he loved them all to the end’ – even the one whose thoughts were not clean.
Peter – dear irrepressible Peter – the labrador of the Gospels. All-in, wanting to please, to be loyal, irrepressible, and keen. Brave Peter who will stay as close as he can, even after Jesus’s arrest. Peter - who will follow and wait and watch. What courage that took – to put himself within the grasp of danger. We often forget that, remembering only his denial. But it took such courage to put himself there in the first place. In that fearful arena he loses his nerve. Words of denial spew out. Poor Peter – face to face with his failure to be all he desires to be.
Bitter failure. Ambiguous discipleship.
And the rest, when faced by the looming darkness of that night they run away on their freshly washed feet, even as their bodies are digesting the food he has blessed. Ambiguity.
Yet – there is no ambiguity in our Lord’s actions and words. Knowing his purpose. Knowing his God, He stoops to serve. Humility writ large.
Knowing his identity. Knowing his God. He calls his disciples to follow his example, to know our purpose, to trust our God to inhabit our true identity: to love as he loves. Nothing ambiguous here.
And yet – their discipleship and ours is riddled with ambiguity. We seek to stand in faith – yet often flee in fear. We reach for hope - yet easily crumble in despair. We desire to love – yet often our best intentions are rugby tackled by selfishness, the myth of scarcity, and fear.
Discipleship doesn’t exist in a vacuum. We must attend to another ambiguity. That of context.
We like them, live in ambiguous times. The world order shakes. The strongmen strut upon the world stage, carving up resources, doing deals, posturing and posing, as the little ones are crushed. There is war and rumour of war – though we might not want to hear it. The Church – Christ’s own body – is brought low, shamed by failures.
So, we might be tempted to mute our discipleship, to flee into the shadows. And yet – as it has always been – the source of all hope, life, peace and love meets us this night. Knowing exactly who we are – all our glorious strengths, all our monumental flaws and fragilities, Knowing…
yet He loves us still.
We must not fear the mountainous waves of our age – for the Stiller of all Storms is here.
He calls “Come and serve with me. Come and love with me. Come and trust me. I am your helper. Do not be afraid.”
We can bring to the one who washes our feet – the truth of the paths we have walked.
We can bring to the one who knows us the well-worn pathways of our internal narratives. We can bring to the light our hidden stories, that can lead us into the darkness of ambiguity. God is the keeper of our stories. All is known anyway.
We must own the ambiguity of our discipleship – and place it in God’s hands.
Just as you knew Judas’ heart, you know ours. Protect us Lord. Just as you knew Peter’s heart, you know each one of us, strengthen us Lord.
God – transform the poverty of our ambiguous discipleship
by the riches of your grace.
Protect us from evil.
Banish ambiguity.
Shape our faithfulness.
In your name.
In your love.
For all people.
Now and always.
Amen